The ways of prayer are mysterious. Sometimes I pray fervently for years that a particular thing would or would not occur/keep occurring, and the prayer is never answered. Other times I am shocked when I realize that a prayer has been answered and I almost missed it. And sometimes I rejoice when a prayer is fulfilled like a miracle before my very eyes.
Since I was eight years old, I've prayed to be freed from performance anxiety. Years of training as a music teacher and professional musician have taught me multiple ways to alleviate, work through, and compensate for this anxiety, but it always hovers in the background at some level. It is a frustrating, sometimes debilitating weakness that affects my vocation. And yet my prayer that I would conquer performance fears has never been answered in the way I would like.
One of my other weaknesses is lack of patience. This mostly comes out with myself or those I am close to, especially my family. It's one of the first things I remember my mother telling me I needed to correct. She warned me when I was very young that if I didn't learn to be in control of my temper and have patience, then I would suffer more and more as I grew up, because the older you get, the more patience you need. She was completely right. And I have suffered consequences as I continue to learn (the hard way) how much I need patience.
This week I realized again that my constant hope for relief from performance anxiety is still unrequited. The eighteen year prayer will continue on.
However, this week brought a breath of new life as I discovered that God has begun building reserves of patience into my character that I never knew were possible.
There's nothing like a teething toddler who refuses to eat or sleep to make me pull my hair out. Yet while there have been moments of frustration, patience has kept me calm, compassionate, and gentle. Ten years ago I would have said "this is not me, this mother quietly soothing her child instead of rushing out of the room screaming!" But God is good, and my prayer is slowly being answered.
Why my prayer for patience and not my prayer for help with performance anxiety?
Perhaps my anxiety is keeping me humble. Perhaps God is working change in my character in subtle ways that I don't see yet. Perhaps God knew that I needed to develop patience now with my daughter so that we can build a good relationship while she is young.
God is good all the time. All the time God is good. He is working out His plan, even when I don't understand it.
~ A 50% off coupon for a local thrift store, helping us buy cold weather clothes
~ Harmony's first guitar (for $3.50!)
~ The fellowship, wisdom, kindness, and prayers of our small group
~ Musical gathering in a friend's backyard, instruments everywhere, voices raised in song
~ My poetry being published by Kindred Magazine
~ Sister finally gaining new employment at a great workplace
~ Writing letters to the Compassion International child that I am co-sponsoring
~ The blessing of an all-day rain
~ Gently being taught by God how to have patience
~ Determination to build my house upon the rock, not on the sand (Matthew 7:24-27)
~ Fresh tomatoes from my neighbor's plants
Linking up with Rachel at her weekly Cultivating Gratitude post!
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