Cultivating Gratitude: Loving Her Even When

It can be so muddling, this parenting gig. There are moments when Harmony and I cuddle together, gazing into each other's eyes, where I feel that I was made to be a mother. And then there are times when all I can do is walk out of the room, leaving my screaming child kicking on the bedroom carpet or kitchen floor, trying to calm myself down so that at least one of us doesn't lose our temper. In those instances of Harmony's rebellion the sad state of my heart tells me that I am not cut out for this. Somebody else needs to come take over; I obviously don't have what it takes to parent this child correctly, or I would not feel like screaming louder than she is and I would LOVE HER RIGHT NOW WITH PERFECT LOVE, even when she is flinging her tiny heels and fists up at me in defiance.

Then the guilt is compounded when I remember that God loves us even as we turn from him.

Well, good thing I'm not god.

I am being taught a big lesson. Just because I am angry with my daughter in this moment does not mean that I do not love her. I still love her. I would still leap to her defense if she were to run out into the street or get knocked down on the playground. She is still my Bug, my Mininsky. It's not like she's even at an age where all her outbursts are related to me! Teething, frustration that her little hands and body won't do what she wants, confusion at the big world, hunger, thirst, the inability to communicate what she wants... the meltdowns that happen are many. I need to not take them personally. And that is why writing down the good things about our relationship is so crucial. When I am most aggravated, that is when I need to be reminded of how much I truly do love her.

The sweet curling up we do together in the mornings after she awakes.

Reading books by the dozen, or one book over and over again, as she wiggles happily in my lap.

Her huge smile when I come home from teaching.

The way she "helps" me cook and prepare meals.

How she jumps up and down on the bed when I wave the blankets.

Her observant, serious gaze when we go on nature walks.

Our dance parties while listening to "Mary Poppins" or "The Pirates of Penzance".

Her fearlessness in approaching stairs (totally freaks mama out).

The games of hide and seek we play.

All the little blessings. So many to be grateful for when it comes to loving who my daughter is and who she is growing up to be. The gratitudes turn me from frustration to compassion, as I am slowly taught how to conquer my own lack of patience so that I can help her develop patience of her own.

Thankful today for my girl.


~ Friends who show me grace when I make mistakes

~ Someone turning in my glasses unbroken when I lost them outside the studio

~ Lunch date with Chris using the gift card I won in the library raffle

~ The neighborhood's 100th anniversary, autumn festival, and parade

~ Safety after two extremely close calls while driving this week

~ Learning how to sing a harmony line on my own

~ God teaching me (slowly) how to walk according to the Spirit (Romans 8:9-10)

~ Learning how to wake up early so that I can have time to read, write, pray, and think before the day begins

~ A new soup recipe pleasantly tasty and easy to make

~ Learning to love my Bug no matter what